Today, it's Mockingbirds.

I don't give a shit if Atticus Finch said it was a sin to kill one. They're fucking annoying and if this one outside my window doesn't give it a rest, I'm going to start launching cats at it via a giant slingshot.

 It'll look pretty similar to this, except I won't be wearing a bathing suit because 1). I'm not "beach-ready"; and 2). That's a lot of exposed skin for a cat to rip into because it's furious at being loaded into a giant slingshot.

In fact, this blog can't even be legitimately called "Today, it's..." because I'm currently writing this at 2 am, Central Time, where TwatTeeth, as I've affectionately named him, has been going strong for 4 hours now, and I expect he'll continue until at least 8 or 9 am, because that's been the trend for the past week.

I can't take it anymore!

Now that's a real man. I'd totally get it on with Gregory Peck.

Speaking of which, Mockingbird would totally be a bad-ass name/villain in a superhero series. His powers would include annoying the shit out of everyone he comes in contact with, and being impossible to scare and/or kill.

OH MY GAWD! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

Today, it's Facebook Trolls

Hey look! It's an update that's written before the next crescent moon! Go me!

Today's blog hit me like a diarrhea cramp while I was cruising around on Facebook. You see, last night was a big night for WVU basketball fans - we won our NCAA March Madness Elite 8 game against #1 seed Kentucky, so we're headed to the Final 4. Anyway, as I was reading the outpouring of WVU love, reminiscing about couch fires, 

and generally glossing over all the really shitty things that happened while I lived 9 years in Morgantown, I started noticing a lot of pissing on the pride parades on my friends' status updates.

Things like:

"Fuck WVU"

"Buncha redneck hillbillies."

"It doesn't matter, _________(insert other Final Four team here)'s gonna win the whole thing anyway."

"There's gonna be a lot of cousin-lovin' in WV tonight."

And you might say, "But Molly, you hate sports! Why do you give a shit?!"

and you'd be (mostly) correct.

But it's not just with sports. Let's take the Health Care bill that was passed last weekend. I don't know about you, but I noticed a lot of downright hateful comments being shuffled around on my friends status updates by their "friends," no matter what side of the issue my friends stood on. (Also, I'm totally not pointing fingers at only Republicans here. I definitely read some ridiculous nonsense being pushed by Dems too.) I do know a lot of friend lists that were downgraded because of some of the vitriol being spewed all over the place. Call it the "Great Purge of '10."

I'm not going to lie - these issues don't truly affect me personally, because 1). Most of my Facebook friends are truly friends, and, while we might have differing opinions on things like Healthcare, Politics, and which Division 1 basketball team is better, I respect their opinions enough (much like they respect my fists) that, friendly banter aside, we all avoid posting our differing asshole opinions on each others pages; and 2). Most of the time, it's just not my business. Sure, I'll do a little trash-talkin' here and there, but usually, I like to reserve my truly nasty opinions for a good old-fashioned face-to-face bitch-out. 

And I'm not going to get into a whole debate about "over-sharing" on the Internet, because, quite frankly, I don't give a shit what you say or do, or who you call out on your own page.

 Classic over-share! Poor grandma!

And I also think that people need to stop being whiny little bitches - over-sharing is the new black. As far as I'm concerned, if you're shocked about what you're reading on my Facebook page, then why are you my friend at all? A real friend would always want to know that I'm being a raging bitch because I've started my period. 

 RAWR! CRAMPS!

But, since I feel like this post has gotten a little off track (big shocker there), I'll bring it all back around. Why do people feel the need to shit on your head and tell you it's raining mud pies?

Or, weird analogies (that I just made up) aside, why are there so many Trolls on Facebook? Why do people feel like it's their duty to not only disagree with you, but to also tell you in so many unkind words, why you're a fuckin' dickhead who's WRONG!?

I think the worst part is, it's usually people you don't know. For example, your friend may post a status update that says something like the following:

"I hate pie because berries give me the shits."

And that will be followed by a few "Likes," and a couple "Me Too's." But there's always that one person who's gotta throw in their two sense (and it's usually written in caps): "PIE IS THE BEST AND ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE IT CAN EAT A BAG OF DICKS. THAT MEANS YOU, GRANDPA."

Or, I love when you take a cult classic show like LOST, throw in a little criticism, and out of the woodwork come the fanboys who have things to say like, "ZOMG! HOW DARE YOU SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT KATE. DAMON LINDELOFF AND CARLTON CUSE ARE GENIUSES WHO DESERVE A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!!!11!! FAG!!!1!"

and then follow up with the classic thread-stopper:

"YOU'RE THE TROLL!!!!" (again, all in caps).

and then, much like Jack, they retreat to their corner and sit in a ball crying their eyes out because you insulted their hero(s).

I guess the point of all this rambling is that, over-sharing aside, people need to learn to just shut the fuck up. There comes a time when, regardless of your differing opinion, you just need to let some status updates go. For example, if one of your friends is in the midst of celebrating their upset win over the #1 basketball seed, now is probably not the time to start pointing out how awesome your team is.

Likewise - if you don't agree with your friend's opinion on healthcare, unless something they're saying is FACTUALLY incorrect, just STFU about it. Because that's the other thing. We've all heard the old adage, "Opinions are like armpits - everyone has them and some of them stink." I'm telling you here and now, truer words have never been said. 

By all means, if your friend has posted faulty information in their status update - for example:

"Obama's Healthcare plan states that it's mandatory for all Americans to get anally raped by doctors, and then let it rain fetuses from the sky,"

then I'm all for you saying something to correct someone so misguided.

However, if your friend writes:

"I don't understand why all the Congress Republicans voted against a national healthcare plan."

now is not the time to bust out your reply of, "BECAUSE ALL DEMOCRATS ARE COMMIES WHO WANT TO TAKE OUR GUNS AND FORCE US TO PAY FOR THEIR ABORTIONS!" That, friend, is not a fact. It is an opinion. (And I'll hold in all personal comments about it being an absolutely fucking moronic one).

Likewise, when you might be having a friendly debate, it does not "settle" it to say something along the lines of, "Well, you just don't 'GET' _____________*."(*insert fanboy favorite here). The reason this is unacceptable is because it implies that you do "GET" it, and therefore, are superior, when in reality, just because that person may not particularly enjoy a certain aspect of a show, they are not actually inferior to you. In fact, they might just be able to kick your ass at say, an IQ test. Or Parcheesi. 

So, in closing, I'd just like everyone to think before they post a reply, "Am I doing this just to be a dick? Am I posting this to 'correct' my poor, misguided, ignoramus friends and turn them onto a more enlightened path like the one I'm currently on?"

If you answered "Yes," to either of those, then just don't. Because you know what I hate more than Facebook Trolls? Having to tell someone to eat a bag of Dicks.

Today, it's Outer Space

While I'd like to take the opportunity to blame the beautiful weather, visiting friends, and general excitement that all my TV shows are back on the air after a weird mid-season hiatus, I feel like I do a lot of apologizing for the fact that really, I'm lazy and sometimes so rage-filled that it's hard for me to narrow down which of my daily annoyances I'm going to write about. And I think we all know just how much I hate apologizing for anything, so we'll go ahead and skip the pretenses and I'll pretend that my last update was yesterday, and you'll shut your damn mouth.

Anyway, today, at first, I thought I'd direct my wrath at Republicans in general - and specifically Texans (who, in fact, represent all that is wrong with this country. I'm not sure if you knew that or not):

 

but then I realized that the Healthcare bill hasn't officially gone into effect yet, so I can't really afford to have an aneurysm right now, since with the horrific insurance I do have, I might as well not have any. But don't fret, because this post is still going to indirectly relate to Healthcare (I know how worried you were), thus making it relevant and current!

So.

Speaking of relevancy and currency, today's post is about something that gets a massive portion of our country's budget, yet fails to produce anything remotely useful other than theories and a general sense of, "Well...we think this means...":

Here are some fun facts I'll bet you (probably) didn't know. For example:

1.  Nasa's motto is "For the benefit of all."
2. Their mission statement is "pioneer the future in space exploration, scientific discovery, and aeronautics research."
3. Their annual budget is 17.6 BILLION dollars.
   
   *BTW, all of this info is courtesy of Wikipedia. Because if I'm too lazy to actually write a blog about how angry I am, you didn't think I'd really research Nasa crap did you?

So, in reading the outpouring of Facebook rage over a national Healthcare plan and the possibility of rising taxes, I got to thinking: 

Q: "Molly, what is one thing our government funds that's kind of a waste of money?"

A: "Well, it's certainly not the $25 BILLION in farm subsidies so farmers can grow preposterous amounts of Corn and poison our country with high fructose corn syrup. Hell no! How else would I rot my teeth and pickle my insides?" (BTW, if you haven't seen King Corn, put that on your Netflix Queue next to Fast Food Nation and Food, Inc.)

But one night, while watching a particularly horrifying movie about alien abductions (It was The Fourth Kind, and while it wasn't really all that good or scary, Aliens do happen to be one of my biggest fears in life), I came to the conclusion that "Space is stupid."

And there you have it: 

 I really hate space more than anything else right now.

Here's the thing - I don't really have a problem with NASA, per se. But what I do have a problem with is the fact that they're sending rockets up monthly, for no other reason than, "Well, we've got some satellites to put up," or, "Well, we've got to test weightless environments again," or, "Well, that super-expensive telescope that keeps breaking broke again." But really, what it boils down to is, "Well, we've got an annual budget that if we don't use it, we lose it, so...rockets away!"

BTW, doesn't that look like a big 'ole dick rising from a nest of pubes?

I once read a Dan Brown book (Oh God, I fell like nothing good/reputable ever comes from that sentence. EVER) called Deception Point where essentially the whole plot of the story centers around the fact that NASA is faking its findings to continue to justify its absolutely absurd budget. (Except it was much longer, and much more annoying than my brief summary.) Oh, and Spoiler Alert!

And while I'm not actually coming right out and saying that NASA does that (so take that, Libel lawyers), I think there could be a very good argument in the vein of "So What, Who Cares?":

when it comes to the fact that Pluto is not really a planet. I mean, seriously - finding out that it wasn't a planet really didn't affect my world in the least, because guess what? WE WEREN'T EVER GOING TO MAKE IT TO PLUTO ANYWAY!

Likewise, the only thing I want to know about finding more water on Earth's moon is when we're going to get our asses up there and put some wells in. Seriously though - I'm not against BEING in space. I'm firmly anti-FARTING AROUND in space. 

Why make moon landings if we're not going to start building a colony there? (Seriously, why AREN'T we building a colony on the moon? Fear of aliens notwithstanding, I'd totally go live there and mine Unobtanium. 

 What? Wrong planet?

Why keep launching rockets into space at roughly $60 million a pop? (again, thanks Wikipedia!) -and ooh! Another fun fact: that's only to get the rocket into space. That doesn't take into account actually GOING/LANDING anywhere!

There's definitely an argument that a lot of the shuttle launches afford scientists experimental luxuries they can't experience on Earth. Fair enough, but you mean to tell me we can't replicate space on Earth, even though we can simulate what it's like to land on Mars in a theme park?

I mean, shit! For all intents and purposes, Gary Sinise knows more about landing a shuttle on Mars than most astronauts! I just don't buy it. I don't think that I agree that what we're "learning" in space is as important as what we should be learning here on our own planet.

So, much like a NASA rocket launch budget, I'm spent. To sum up this whole post, the only things that should be floating in space are satellites, telescopes, and garbage. Not astronauts showing off their fancy spacewalks (which, in my mind, I often liken to be a cakewalk for some reason. Who'll win the moonpie?). Let the satellite companies pay the full amount to get their satellites into space. Quit sending up shitty telescopes that cost a fuckton of money and don't work half the time. And perhaps we want to go ahead and rethink our "space landfill" idea. Save that for Garbage Island, aka the Pacific Trash Vortex, floating around somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. 

(BTW, you really want to blow your mind, just read about that human fuckup here. Nothin' like a big ole trash heap the size of Texas in the middle of the ocean to really skullfuck you.)

So if NASA really IS "for the benefit of all," how's about they earmark some of their redonkulous budget to funding our new and improved National Healthcare System! Because quite frankly, I can think of a lot of ways they can carry out their mission statement here on Earth (and I'm not even a rocket scientist!  Bazinga)

In closing, I think there are plenty of more important space-related things we could be doing on Earth. For example, how ready are we for an inevitable alien invasion? Do we have provisions in place? Because there's nothing I hate more than aliens strollin' across my video screen when I'm trying to tape my niece's birthday party in Mexico.

Today It's People Who Are Completely Out Of The Loop

Sorry for the hiatus, folks. I've just been so full of joy lately, that I couldn't find anything to hate on enough to make it into a blog. Actually, that's a total lie - I've got a whole notebook almost filled with lists of hate. I was just lazy, and refused to update until forced to. And by forced to, I mean my BFF Joey sent me a message saying, "You know what I hate right now? Not having an update to read." I get it...Even though I felt almost like I blew my load with the love I got on the last post - seems a lot of y'all have friends who are too much in a hurry to grow up. (They'll get the hint at their next fondue party when you pour the vat of boiling cheese directly down your gullet.)

Anyway, this blog - well, it might piss off some more of my friends, but I just want them to know that, like a well-meant intervention, I'm doing it out of love. Not hate. I swear.

So here's the thing - I'm literally a wealth of useless Pop Culture knowledge. Thanks to Netflix, downloading, my AppleTV, Perez Hilton, TiVo, and some various other gossip and blog sites that I check daily - nay, religiously, I've managed to dip my fingers into just about every single "gossipy"/TV show/Movie/Music pie out there. 

Did you ever see this show on VH1?:

 

If you didn't, stop reading right now. Seriously. You're one of the people I'm talking about, and you're going to be totally lost and totally offended in a few paragraphs.

Anyway - I could've won this show without any Team Members. Single Elimination - as in, I miss a question, I lose the whole game. (In fact, there's only one other person in the whole world who I'd trust to be my teammate, and that's my friend Ginny. But then that means we're still stuck with some dumbass who doesn't know as much as we do, and who stands in our way of world domination.)

So, continuing on, here's the thing - I get that almost everyone else in the world has lives that don't involve sitting around reading books, watching every movie ever made, and ditto for almost all TV shows. In short, I'm really the only person I know who can sit around and absorb ridiculous amounts of just absolutely, positively, completely useless knowledge. Part of this is because I don't have a life, and I must live vicariously through a fictional world to make up for the utter monotony I experience on a daily basis. Actually, that's pretty much the whole thing - there's not other "part" to me. (Wow. Psychoanalyze much?!)

And I totally don't expect anyone else to have so little going on in their life that they have to inundate themselves in the lives of fake characters (or, in the case of reality shows, Real People! Living Real Lives! TOTALLY NOT SCRIPTED!). You see, for as much as I hate bullshit posturing, the idea of chit-chat, and playing the "getting-to-know-you; getting-to-know-all-about-you" game, I DO like to know a little bit about any one subject so that I'll always have something to talk about should an awkward silence arise. (BTW, you've been forewarned that these are all topics in my "Notebook of Hate for Future Blogs.")

So here's the real crux about today's topic - if you don't watch TV; don't listen to music; don't know Brangelina from Bennifer; if you find yourself constantly asking me, or your other friends, "What's that mean?" or, "Who's that Moderately Successful Musician?" - I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the problem I speak of here is you.

Don't get me wrong - kudos to you for having so much going on in your life that you simply can't afford to waste any time getting the gist of LOST (a hint in 4 words - Time-Travelling Island that may or may not be Heaven or Hell. Or Purgatory. Ok. That was a lot more than 4 words). Seriously - I'm not being sarcastic here - I wish that I didn't devote my entire day to useless pursuits that are only designed to keep me a slave to technology and poorly-written fiction. 

But the fact remains that there are some of you (and you know who you are) who are so desperate to appear "in the loop" that you're inundating my email, Facebook Wall, texts, and brain with "Who, What, Where, When, Why & How's" that you're slowly driving me insane. I don't expect any of my friends to have seen such obscure trash movies as "Monsturd,"

and 

"Blood Car," 

(Although if you have seen either of these, you're immediately elevated to 

"Awesome" 

in my book)

Just accept the fact that you're out of the loop, and that it's OK to not have a clue why Spencer Pratt is carrying around rocks lately:

(or even who Spencer Pratt is - trust me, I think most of us wish we were clueless about this loser),

or

why 3-year olds are sobbing over Justin Bieber:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

it's OK. I swear. There are some things you're better off not knowing. And no one will think any less of you for not knowing the names of Jon & Kate's 8 kids. 

Look! Someone thoughtfully made a nice montage for us!

But for reals: if you're that out of the loop, stop asking. Because there's no doubt in my mind that even if I explain to you the nuances of how Them Crooked Vultures does NOT sound like Queens of the Stone Age+Foo Fighters+Led Zeppelin, you're not going to take the time out of your busy life to find out for yourself. 

No, no, don't protest.

I know you've got a lot on your plate when you're too stressed watching the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime to check out Californication or the United States of Tara on those channels you have to pay extra for (I actually saw this on someone else's FB comment section - the person was asking what Big Love was, and cited the above 2 channels as the only thing she watched. FML). And that's fine. Because you know what I hate more than people who're completely out of the loop? People who watch Lifetime Original Movies. (ooh. I think I just found the topic for my next blog!)

Today, it's Married Couples Who Act Like Adults

So, I'm a half of a married couple. After being together for 7 years, the old man and I threw caution to the wind and got married (well, really, we kind of got tired of listening to family and friends ask, "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED ALREADY?!" and we gave into convention). I mean, I could've been engaged for another 4-5 years; I got my nice ring - who needs anything else? But, we went ahead and took the plunge, and I can honestly say I don't regret it, but I also don't need to act it either. 

At this point, you might be scratching your head going, "Act what?" Like a Married Adult, fool. (Didn't you read today's topic?!) So, how does a "Married Adult" act? The main thing that you need to understand here is that Married Adults are different from Married Couples. Married Adults look like this:

 

Our life is over, as of today. In fact, even though we're of an Asian persuasion, it's Quaker Meeting time, bitches! No more laughter, no more fun!

Married Couples, on the other hand, tend to resemble this:

 

We still know how to have fun because we have drinks with umbrellas,
and Daddy got lei'd!

Anyway, if those two visual aids didn't convince you, I made a list too (and in case you can't tell, I'm awfully fond of lists because they help me organize my thoughts. So suck it, haters.)

Things Married Adults Do That Suck the Life Out Of Me

1. Have "Dinner Parties," "Fondue Parties," "Wine Parties," or basically any other kind of party that involves fanciness. Note I did not include Potluck dinners or buffet-style, or deep-frying parties, because those are all incredibly awesome reasons to have a bunch of people over to your house.

I have the following reasons for not appreciating a "Fancy Party": 

• A). They involve dressing up, which is not ok if I'm going to someone's house and being expected to take off my shoes, but not wear sweats. They also involve feelings of guilt because usually the Host(ess) put so much work into the party that you feel awful because you didn't feel like taking a shower and you barely thought to put socks on. (Which, thank God you did, because you're going to have to take your shoes off, and no one wants to see your "winter" feet!)
• B). They usually involve drinking wine, which I hate. In fact, I hate drinking wine almost as much as the pretentious show that the host is going to put on before we're actually allowed to drink the wine, or the inevitable "You don't hate wine, you just haven't found the right one" comment I always get. Listen. I'm 27 years old, and I am adult enough to know that, although I once hated beets as a child, I love them as an adult. Furthermore, I'll never like steamed asparagus or artichokes unless they're cut so small and mixed with something I don't know they're there. So please stop pretending that I don't know my own tastebuds.
• C). Unlike a buffet, potluck, or deep-frying party, I can never truly eat as much as I want. So not only am I still hungry, but I got Incredible Hulk-drunk off of the wine (because I'm starving, and I pretty much just chugged the wine in the hopes I'd stop tasting it after awhile). For those of you who don't know what Incredible Hulk-drunk is, it's when you're drunk, angry, and you start breaking things. In other words, I'm hungry, drunk enough to fall over everything, and pissed off because I'm so hungry and injured.
• D). Typically fancy parties involve foods I don't like being prepared in less-than-desirable ways. Again - 27. Know my taste buds like the back of my tongue (see what I did there?). Under normal circumstances, a Fondue Party might seem like my cup of tea. Unfortunately, I don't think it's kosher at one of those events to pour melted cheese directly down my throat. And let's face it - that's exactly what everyone wants to do. The bread was just put there because it's socially unacceptable to do just that. 

 

Look how small that piece of bread is, compared to the massive amount of ooey, gooey cheese that needs to get in mah belly.

2. Want to talk about their sex lives (or lack thereof) with other married couples. Here's the thing - Sex and the City was popular because they were, for the most part, all single women doing fucked up shit in the bedroom. Single women totally talk like that. However, when Charlotte and Miranda got married and started talking about sex, it was only because shit was fucked up in their marriages and they needed advice. So unless your husband can't keep an erection, I don't want to know when you schedule sex, Sext each other, role play, or any other banal nonsense that doesn't interest me.  

I feel like with guys, it's the same thing - no guy I know wants to hear about his married friend's sex life, unless the story starts with, "So, I put it up her butt," and ends with, "and then our hot neighbor came over." Notice I didn't include anything about the missionary position, or whipped cream (soooo 1999 Varsity Blues!).

Were we supposed to feel like pedophiles because Ali Larter's character was still in high school when she was barin' it on the big screen?

3. Suddenly forget how to have fun. You know that scene in Old School, where Will Ferrell has just gotten married and is describing his Saturday to his buddy?  

"Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time." 

That's not to say I don't love a good BB&B day, and lord knows I love to wander around Lowe's, but the difference between me and them is after I'm done painting the house, or grating cheese (directly into my mouth, fuckyouverymuch) with my new 8-in-1 cheese wizard, I put on my dancing shoes and head out for the night. I mean seriously - why was Old School even made? Because people don't want to believe that their life ends after marriage. 

Married Adults also have to be coddled to leave the house. Sample questions include: 

• "Well, is the game gonna be on?" 
• "How big is the TV?" 
• "Are we staying out late?"
• "How late is 'Not too late'?"
• "Do I have to take a shower?" 
• "Do they have pink Chablis?"

I mean, really. What happened to just plopping your ass on a barstool, chatting up the bartender and just getting out of the house? I want to hang with the people at Cheers - now there's a group of adults who knew how to go to a bar.

And finally, (IMHO), the worst one of all - 

4. Start asking you when you're going to have kids, because they're either trying to, or have already begun the reproduction cycle.

Here's the thing. Travis and I are NEVER having kids. NEVER. I don't have a maternal instinct in my body; he'd be the worst father ever, and both of us enjoy spending money on ourselves too much to ever want to piss it away on something that's going to shit on you and eventually move out. We've accepted that fact, and never looked back. But why is it people see the second spare room in our house and instantly ask, "Is that going to be the baby's room?"

Umm. 

No.

Just because we're two immature adults who have a second bedroom painted what in we like to call "Sorcerer Mickey Blue," covered the walls in gold stars, and affectionately nicknamed it, "The Disney Room," does not immediately translate into, "When the baby comes, we're going to throw out all this shit and put in a crib and a changing table."

 

Jealous?

 Going back to my original point, we've simply invested too much on tchotchkes to go shunting it up to the attic for a cub who eats, shits, and pisses more than our 3 cats do (at least they have the good sense to use the litterbox).

And while I'll never resent my friends for wanting or having children (and I'll totally be the best Auntie ever - I'll just buy your kids duplicates of the toys I buy myself), I certainly don't feel the need to push my non-breeder agenda on them. Luckily for me, my true friends know not to go there. None of them have ever said, "Molly, you'd be such a great mom." Because they know. 

 

That's about right.

So basically, I'm going to sum up this post by pleading with all you Married Adults out there - Never lose your child-like sensibilities. No one's got a gun to your head saying "It's Time To Grow Up, or ELSE." Keep playing video games, collecting barbie dolls, and getting shitfaced. Hold on to your youth as long as possible, because you know what I hate more than Married Couples who act like adults? Cougars. 'Nuff said.

Oh. And smug pregnant women.

Today, it's People Bitching About NBC's Coverage of the Olympics

I'd say that title is pretty straight-forward. But in case you've yet to encounter one of these idiots running around NBC's Olympic Facebook and Twitter pages, let me break it down for you:

These same bandwagon-eers who jumped on at the Conan/Leno debacle, and never got off can be found bitching about the following:

1. NBC's less-than-live coverage of major Olympic events during prime-time hours (ie they taped certain "less-than-stellar-ratings-events" earlier in the day, and then are interspersing them during the warm-ups of the actual live events)
2. NBC's live and prime-time coverage of "main" events - such as Pairs Skating - that should have been substituted for __________ (insert your favorite least-watched sport in the Olympics here).
3. NBC's "Spoiling" the medal winners by posting the results of live events as soon as they happen (as opposed to waiting until their not-so-live primetime recap) on Facebook and Twitter)
4. How no other country can do it better than America, and if another country wins a medal, it's because they cheated, are a Communist, hate God, or sometimes all three together.

 So I decided to help these morons out by making it really easy for them to get the Olympic coverage they want, since apparently Facebook is the only internet site they can currently use. Here's my solution, in 4 easy steps:

1. Get a TiVo/DVR/VCR - that way, in case the event that you're wanting to watch is on at 1 pm or midnight, you've got your own special way of watching it "live". The amazing thing about TiVo/DVR/TV Guide Magazine/THE INTERNET is also that you can now "magically" figure out what sport is on what channel (because evidently, reckoning that NBC isn't the ONLY channel showing the Olympics is too much for your tiny brains), and then program them to tape in your absence. Those of us who actually WATCH the Olympics have prepared weeks in advance to know what's on when, and programmed accordingly. I can only assume that the people complaining about programming are the ones who don't even know the difference between Free Skate and Short Program in Figure Skating.
   
   My biggest complaint about the people bitching about the less-than-live coverage during prime time is that they obviously don't have a recording device. Therefore, having to watch a recap of the Men's Snowboarding Cross qualifiers interspersed in Pairs Skating is the greatest thing that could ever happen to them - believe me - I sat and watched it in full, earlier in the day, with 293874928374 commercials. Luckily, I have TiVo, and I could fast forward through that shit. Or, just delete it completely, (because the Men's Cross Qualifiers were boring as fuck).
2. Certain sports in the Winter Olympics are slow. And stupid. And so, they're not going to get shown during prime time. Get the fuck over it. And get a Cable-recording device. Or, just see #1.
3. If Facebook is your only connection to the outside world (meaning you don't use Google, NBC.com, a newspaper, a television, or anything else that separates us from the monkeys), then either "Hide" NBC's Olympics feed on your Twitter and Facebook (although how you ever managed to get off FarmVille and subscribe to them in the first place is beyond my comprehension), or shut the fuck up. Seriously.
   
   Do you bitch at the weathermen for ruining your day by telling you the forecast for the rest of the week? No? Well, then shut up about NBC tryin' to help out the folks without recording capabilities, or access to the outside internet, television, and/or newspapers. You can't have it both ways - if they don't show the "live" events recapped during primetime, then expect to know what the results of the biathlon are at 4 pm, because that shit's been going on all goddamn day.
4. If you think America's the only country who deserves to win any medals during a world event, please stop reading my blog right now, and go kill yourself. Seriously. You're not doing anyone any favors. And you're really just pissing me off.
   
   Because you know what I hate more than people bitching on Facebook about NBC? Ethnocentrism. (And people fawning all over Conan O'Brien, but that's a topic for another time).

Today, It's Ace of Cakes

So, this one's an oldie but a goodie that I posted about a year ago as a Facebook Note. But I was pressed for time today (you should see my Tivo and Apple TV queues!), so you're getting a rerun, for those of you who've read it before. And for all 1 of you reading this who've never heard it before, Bon Appétit. 

That's exactly how I feel about you too, Mary Alice.

Our TiVo knows we love to watch Food Network, and so it's constantly "recommending" shows for us to watch. Ace of Cakes happens to be one that's always being recorded, and much like the cut on the roof of your mouth you can't stop tonguing, I can never stop myself from watching and then being enraged. So briefly, (ha! Like I ever write anything short!), here are the reasons why I hate Ace of Cakes.

There are 5 main reasons I'm not a fan:

1. The cakes, while usually really original and well-designed on paper, almost always look like crap executed. Seriously, the finished project often looks like something that would get a B- in art class using modeling clay and being left overnight to dry.

And they're like, 25% actual, edible cake. The rest of it's made with modeling chocolate (it'd be like eating an effin' solid chocolate rabbit, only less tasty - because modeling chocolate does NOT taste like real chocolate) or fondant - which literally tastes like shit. That brings me to the second reason.

2. They use FONDANT FOR EVERYTHING. I hate fondant worse than I hate icing. In fact, I'd love it if they'd just use icing. If, just on one cake, they'd forgo the fondant and tack an icing rose on there, I'd be able to hold my vomit back long enough to salute them for "thinking outside the box." (I hate icing roses more than I hate my dog. But alas, those two topics are both fodder for future blogs!)I understand sometimes you need a little fondant - hell, I love watching the Cake Challenges, and they're always throwing it on a cake at the last minute. But the extent of fondant they use on AoC is utterly baffling. It's like Duff says to himself, "Well, I could hire real sugar artists, or I could keep hiring my friends who failed art class in kindergarten."

And they're always using it to make figurines which inevitably look like shit. See point one. I mean, seriously - these figures look like the nonsense that children make at the Play-Doh table. Every time I watch, I keep expecting to see one of those "template" machines that Play-Doh made - you know the one - you turned the handle and the machine cranked out Play-Doh spaghetti and meatballs. And since they're using the fondant for everything, you know that shit's probably not tasting any better than some flour, salt, and water with food coloring added for good measure.

3. I hate Duff. He does NOTHING on that show remotely involving food. He's always welding shit together, or building. But I NEVER see him actually baking ANYTHING. Which is weird, because for someone whose background is as extensive as his is (I watched his Chefography), you'd think he'd have a little more hand in making his food. Instead, he's content churning out fucking Play-Doh people. And copper-pipe frames. But certainly nothing edible.

4. An appointment to get into the place - an APPOINTMENT - is a guaranteed purchase of at least a $1500 cake! It's like, the general attitude is, "Come pay us for our annoying ideas and yucky cake!"

5. One last (smaller) thing that pisses me off about the show - they're always fucking up the cakes on air, and then generically "fixing" them, and then giving them to the customers. Like, literally, one cake they dropped on the floor and dumped a cup of coffee on - then assured the viewers that it was "super clean." No thanks, already. Keep your floor cake, and the (inevitably) cracked fondant that you covered it with. I'd rather have a store-bought pie.

Because you know what I hate more than floor cake? Icing Roses on a Wal-Mart Sheet Cake. And having to stand in line for the only open register in a long line of unmanned ones.