Today It's People Who Are Completely Out Of The Loop

Sorry for the hiatus, folks. I've just been so full of joy lately, that I couldn't find anything to hate on enough to make it into a blog. Actually, that's a total lie - I've got a whole notebook almost filled with lists of hate. I was just lazy, and refused to update until forced to. And by forced to, I mean my BFF Joey sent me a message saying, "You know what I hate right now? Not having an update to read." I get it...Even though I felt almost like I blew my load with the love I got on the last post - seems a lot of y'all have friends who are too much in a hurry to grow up. (They'll get the hint at their next fondue party when you pour the vat of boiling cheese directly down your gullet.)

Anyway, this blog - well, it might piss off some more of my friends, but I just want them to know that, like a well-meant intervention, I'm doing it out of love. Not hate. I swear.

So here's the thing - I'm literally a wealth of useless Pop Culture knowledge. Thanks to Netflix, downloading, my AppleTV, Perez Hilton, TiVo, and some various other gossip and blog sites that I check daily - nay, religiously, I've managed to dip my fingers into just about every single "gossipy"/TV show/Movie/Music pie out there. 

Did you ever see this show on VH1?:

 

If you didn't, stop reading right now. Seriously. You're one of the people I'm talking about, and you're going to be totally lost and totally offended in a few paragraphs.

Anyway - I could've won this show without any Team Members. Single Elimination - as in, I miss a question, I lose the whole game. (In fact, there's only one other person in the whole world who I'd trust to be my teammate, and that's my friend Ginny. But then that means we're still stuck with some dumbass who doesn't know as much as we do, and who stands in our way of world domination.)

So, continuing on, here's the thing - I get that almost everyone else in the world has lives that don't involve sitting around reading books, watching every movie ever made, and ditto for almost all TV shows. In short, I'm really the only person I know who can sit around and absorb ridiculous amounts of just absolutely, positively, completely useless knowledge. Part of this is because I don't have a life, and I must live vicariously through a fictional world to make up for the utter monotony I experience on a daily basis. Actually, that's pretty much the whole thing - there's not other "part" to me. (Wow. Psychoanalyze much?!)

And I totally don't expect anyone else to have so little going on in their life that they have to inundate themselves in the lives of fake characters (or, in the case of reality shows, Real People! Living Real Lives! TOTALLY NOT SCRIPTED!). You see, for as much as I hate bullshit posturing, the idea of chit-chat, and playing the "getting-to-know-you; getting-to-know-all-about-you" game, I DO like to know a little bit about any one subject so that I'll always have something to talk about should an awkward silence arise. (BTW, you've been forewarned that these are all topics in my "Notebook of Hate for Future Blogs.")

So here's the real crux about today's topic - if you don't watch TV; don't listen to music; don't know Brangelina from Bennifer; if you find yourself constantly asking me, or your other friends, "What's that mean?" or, "Who's that Moderately Successful Musician?" - I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the problem I speak of here is you.

Don't get me wrong - kudos to you for having so much going on in your life that you simply can't afford to waste any time getting the gist of LOST (a hint in 4 words - Time-Travelling Island that may or may not be Heaven or Hell. Or Purgatory. Ok. That was a lot more than 4 words). Seriously - I'm not being sarcastic here - I wish that I didn't devote my entire day to useless pursuits that are only designed to keep me a slave to technology and poorly-written fiction. 

But the fact remains that there are some of you (and you know who you are) who are so desperate to appear "in the loop" that you're inundating my email, Facebook Wall, texts, and brain with "Who, What, Where, When, Why & How's" that you're slowly driving me insane. I don't expect any of my friends to have seen such obscure trash movies as "Monsturd,"

and 

"Blood Car," 

(Although if you have seen either of these, you're immediately elevated to 

"Awesome" 

in my book)

Just accept the fact that you're out of the loop, and that it's OK to not have a clue why Spencer Pratt is carrying around rocks lately:

(or even who Spencer Pratt is - trust me, I think most of us wish we were clueless about this loser),

or

why 3-year olds are sobbing over Justin Bieber:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

it's OK. I swear. There are some things you're better off not knowing. And no one will think any less of you for not knowing the names of Jon & Kate's 8 kids. 

Look! Someone thoughtfully made a nice montage for us!

But for reals: if you're that out of the loop, stop asking. Because there's no doubt in my mind that even if I explain to you the nuances of how Them Crooked Vultures does NOT sound like Queens of the Stone Age+Foo Fighters+Led Zeppelin, you're not going to take the time out of your busy life to find out for yourself. 

No, no, don't protest.

I know you've got a lot on your plate when you're too stressed watching the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime to check out Californication or the United States of Tara on those channels you have to pay extra for (I actually saw this on someone else's FB comment section - the person was asking what Big Love was, and cited the above 2 channels as the only thing she watched. FML). And that's fine. Because you know what I hate more than people who're completely out of the loop? People who watch Lifetime Original Movies. (ooh. I think I just found the topic for my next blog!)