Today, it's eBayers

So, I already have to apologize for my lack of updates. I've meant this to be a blog updated almost daily, but already, it's been 5 days since my first post. The only thing I can say is that sometimes life gets in your way...and sometimes your friend gets married unexpectedly, and then packs up and moves to Hawaii, and you have to help her/toast her/mourn her passing. And that shit takes time.

But wait...What was I saying again? The only thing I hate more than packing and moving myself is helping others pack and move...hold on. That's not where I was going with that. Let's start again.

So anyway...The only thing I hate more than packing and moving is apologizing for my lack of motivation and updates. So, enough of the lamentations.

Today's topic is the one that actually inspired me to write a blog in the first place. I sell a lot of things on eBay, and I like to believe that my auctions are very fair as far as shipping goes, and pretty self-explanatory and to-the-point.

I use nice font, and I try to be as succinct about what, exactly it is that you're buying from me. I'm really not even trying to make money, so much as I am actually just trying to declutter my life. Which is why I get so infuriated with the following people on eBay:

1. "Do you combine shipping on multiple items?"

Listen. I wouldn't have such a problem with this question if it didn't say specifically on the item description that shipping is $.99 for each additional item, whether it's in the US or overseas. (Which, by the way, I totally lose money on. See what a nice person I am?)Not only do I put it in the item description paragraph, but if you click on the little tab on the auction that says, "Shipping" on it, it also brings up a page with very detailed shipping options. And finally, when some wingnut DOES inevitably ask me this ridiculous question, I make sure the answer is posted publicly, just in case you missed it the first 2 times.

So I guess my biggest question here is, since these people obviously can't read, why do they bother to message me for an answer to a question that they're going to be utterly incapable of deciphering my reply to? Sometimes, I feel like writing my answer in Wingdings font, because clearly, pictures are the only thing they can understand.

Further, I'd just like to add that every time I put up multiple-item auctions, I get this question for almost every single item I've listed. Do you know, out of the people that asked about the multiple shipping, how many of them actually win these multiple auctions?

Let me give you a hint. It's going to start with "N", and end with "un". That's right. Not only did you waste my time because you're half-retarded (and I say half, because they're attempting to use eBay, which is something that I only assume full-retards can't do...then again, I could be wrong here!), but then you didn't even win all these auctions that you were soooooo sure you were going to get. FUCK OFF! Seriously - I have never had someone win multiple auctions from me who has ever asked me about combined shipping. NEVER.

2. "Does this come from a pet-free/smoke-free household?"

So, I sell a lot of vinyl toys. They're pretty simple, about 3 inches tall, and completely made of vinyl parts. Now, clothes, books, fabric...I get that. You don't want to open that box and get partial lung cancer just from the secondhand smoke that comes wafting out. But these toys - well, they already smell like shit. They smell like factories in China that may or may not have lead poisoning just floating around in the air.

Further, I'm fairly certain that even if I put the vinyl into fishbowl, put Press 'n' Seal around the top to make it airtight, poked a tiny hole in it with a straw, smoked a pack of cigarettes and blew the smoke into the straw, thereby submersing the vinyl in a pack's worth of cigarette smoke, and left it in this cancer chamber for a week, I could totally pull the vinyl out, wipe it down with some "Fabuloso (this hella-cheap cleaner I get at Target/Wal-Mart), and not only will it NOT smell of cigarettes and still retain some of that "Made in Communist China with tiny bits of Lead" odor, but also, any "pet dander" from my 3 cats and 1 dog will also magically disappear. (You didn't think I'd find a way to bring the animals into it, did you?!)

3. "Even though I paid less for shipping than it actually cost you to package and ship, I'm still not happy with the shipping."

I seriously had a guy email me this the other day. First, a little background: Those vinyl toys I was talking about come in 4x4x4 inch boxes. Most of the time, if I ever buy them myself on eBay, the sellers flatten the box and mail the vinyl itself, in an envelope with the original box just thrown in the envelope somewhere. Furthermore, unlike a collectible Barbie, you actually have to OPEN these boxes (which are glued with some kind of epoxy that's equal to the strength of 15 men) in order to see what's inside. Keep that in mind.

I, however, have found bubble-envelopes that are just big enough to hold the vinyl toy, in its box, inside the envelope. To circumvent any angry postal workers that want to throw a 10lb box onto my tiny envelope, I write all over the outside, "DO NOT CRUSH!!!!!" and yes, it is accompanied by the requisite 10 exclamation points.

So anyway, this douche-nozzle writes me that he received his package. His vinyl was in perfect condition, but he's all butt-hurt because the box was crushed, and, in his opinion, that devalues the item he bought. Keep in mind that this was a $10 vinyl that I sold, that he bought for $6, and $1.99 s/h. So, he gets it for a song. I threw in the 3-day shipping because it was like, $.45 more than the parcel post, even though it cost ME, and he's bitching because his box arrived a little smashed. The box that was already in less-than-perfect condition because I had to bust through this crazy-glue lockbox to open it in the first place. The box that was put in the bubble-wrap envelope, covered in admonitions to not crush, followed by exclamation points out the ass.

And he thinks he's going to get some kind of refund. The only thing he got was a very explicit email telling him exactly where he could put his semi-crushed, "completely devalued" box. Sideways. And it was accompanied by the requisite FUCK YOU, followed by 13 exclamation points.

4. "Sellers who charge obscene amounts to ship because they're either A). Greedy, or B). Too stupid to take the box to the post office beforehand and find out, so they use the "Shipping Calculator" that eBay so thoughtfully provides, and are too incompetent to fill it out correctly. Hence, charging $6 for parcel post shipping on a 3" toy that literally costs me $1.97 to ship in 3 days anywhere in the country."

That was pretty self-explanatory, right?

Ugh.

So, reading back over these, I realized I only wrote about 4 things that eBayers do to piss me off. However, even proof-reading this list had my blood pressure boiling. Do any of you have some redonkulous eBay stories to share? Can you relate? Let me know in the comment section. Because you know what I hate right now? People who lurk on my blog!