So, growing up in WV, right around the 4th of July, if one wanted to buy fireworks, one only had to go right across the Ohio River into Marietta, Ohio, where there was always an "Eagle Fireworks" tent set up. In later years, Eagle managed to make enough money during the holiday to build a permanent storefront for their endeavor, much to my chagrin.
You see, the occasional sparkler notwithstanding, I hate store-bought fireworks. My husband always says that once you see fireworks at Walt Disney World, other fireworks simply pale in comparison.
Where else in America can you find an "iced" castle with fireworks exploding over it (almost) every GD night of the week? (Ok, ok. Disneyland too)
And, after having witnessed shitty Morgantown fireworks every 4th (and not-so-shitty, but still far below WDW, Pittsburgh fireworks), I'd have to agree.
Which is why my hatred for store-bought fireworks endures and blazes with the fire of 100 sparklers. Because even Morgantown's lame-ass patriotic show every year is still nowhere near as annoying and lame as you buying $100 worth of bottle rockets, "screamers", Roman Candles, "light your asses on fire" and "burn your pubes off," and then setting them off in your back yard.
And speaking of you buying fireworks, let's just take a second to reflect on the business that you're buying from. Most often, these "retailers" are tents set up by the side of the road, or in Wal-Mart parking lots, on the hottest days of the year. And there's usually a plethora of "NO SMOKING" signs sprinkled liberally throughout the joint. Yet there's always some kind of ne'er do-well running the place, and there's the customary soft-pack of cigarettes poking out of his pocket. (Or, if you're really, truly blessed - it's rolled up in the sleeve, with the "lucky" one tucked behind the ear). Plus, didn't I mumble something earlier about HOTTEST DAYS OF THE SUMMER and RIGHT BESIDE CARS, which just has me jumping for joy about the safety of the situation.
Seriously. I've got a sneaking suspicion that I'm not going to live to a ripe old age. But I don't think I'll die prematurely of a heart attack, or even lung cancer (Gooooo 'Rettes!). No, I think the Grim Reaper (or Grimm, all you Harry Potter fans!) is going to come at me in the form of a misplaced cigarette ash, after being dragged to one of these gunpowder hell-holes by a well-intentioned friend ("See, fireworks stores aren't so baaaddddd - Oh NOOOOOOOOO!" KABOOM).
ANYWAY, where was I? So, back to the actual fireworks themselves - I just don't see the appeal of almost lighting yourself on fire, and smelling like gunpowder, every single time. (And no: "But Molly, you smoke, and sometimes you almost light yourself on fire, and you almost always smell of gunpowder, even after you showered" jokes). For one piddly bang. That's like going to the trouble of wearing lingerie for a one-minute man. If it takes more time to get it set up and rarin' to go than it does for the big "bang," you're working entirely too hard, my friends.
Aaaaand again, I got off course. But yeah. Fireworks in your backyard are annoying, and take too long to set up for too little of a payment. Also, they drive my animals (and every other animal within a 2 block radius) insane; which, in turn, makes me crazy as well. Because not only do I have to listen to "WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZ bang" every 4 minutes, but in the midst of the actual cracker going off, and you setting up the next round of torture, I get to listen to the cacophony of dogs yelping and howling as you not only set their nerves on edge, but also make their ears bleed.
And it's even worse - at least in the north, we only had to put up with this bullshit once a year, usually on, or around the 4th of July. But here in the south, it's customary to also set off fireworks for New Year's as well. Huzzah. I live in a gated community where we can't park our cars on the street overnight. Can't there be some kind of ordinance in the by-laws stating that douchebag neighbors can't set off fireworks within 3 blocks of my house? I can't wait to see what the next "celebration" is around here. Probably the Mudbug Festival, or some other completely moronic, completely made-up circumstance.
Happy motherfucking holiday.
3 comments:
Yeah, if you are going to do fireworks right, you have to spend a lot of money. My father-in-law and his friends once spent 2 grand for a 4th of July party and man they were cool. Of course, the cops speeding up to the house made it better.
But what I can't stand is what you are talking about. Damn bottle rockets and roman candles with a desperate need of some viagra. If you spend $5.93 on some wal-mart fireworks, you deserve that third degree burn to your penis.
...and that's why you don't play with fireworks.
http://img165.imageshack.us/i/dontpla3vw4.jpg/
That's redonkulous, Travis. But I'm not going to lie. I can't help wishing that would've happened to my neighbors during the week-long noise-fest that was their New Year's celebration.
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