Today, it's Married Couples Who Act Like Adults

So, I'm a half of a married couple. After being together for 7 years, the old man and I threw caution to the wind and got married (well, really, we kind of got tired of listening to family and friends ask, "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED ALREADY?!" and we gave into convention). I mean, I could've been engaged for another 4-5 years; I got my nice ring - who needs anything else? But, we went ahead and took the plunge, and I can honestly say I don't regret it, but I also don't need to act it either. 

At this point, you might be scratching your head going, "Act what?" Like a Married Adult, fool. (Didn't you read today's topic?!) So, how does a "Married Adult" act? The main thing that you need to understand here is that Married Adults are different from Married Couples. Married Adults look like this:

 

Our life is over, as of today. In fact, even though we're of an Asian persuasion, it's Quaker Meeting time, bitches! No more laughter, no more fun!

Married Couples, on the other hand, tend to resemble this:

 

We still know how to have fun because we have drinks with umbrellas,
and Daddy got lei'd!

Anyway, if those two visual aids didn't convince you, I made a list too (and in case you can't tell, I'm awfully fond of lists because they help me organize my thoughts. So suck it, haters.)

Things Married Adults Do That Suck the Life Out Of Me

1. Have "Dinner Parties," "Fondue Parties," "Wine Parties," or basically any other kind of party that involves fanciness. Note I did not include Potluck dinners or buffet-style, or deep-frying parties, because those are all incredibly awesome reasons to have a bunch of people over to your house.

I have the following reasons for not appreciating a "Fancy Party": 

• A). They involve dressing up, which is not ok if I'm going to someone's house and being expected to take off my shoes, but not wear sweats. They also involve feelings of guilt because usually the Host(ess) put so much work into the party that you feel awful because you didn't feel like taking a shower and you barely thought to put socks on. (Which, thank God you did, because you're going to have to take your shoes off, and no one wants to see your "winter" feet!)
• B). They usually involve drinking wine, which I hate. In fact, I hate drinking wine almost as much as the pretentious show that the host is going to put on before we're actually allowed to drink the wine, or the inevitable "You don't hate wine, you just haven't found the right one" comment I always get. Listen. I'm 27 years old, and I am adult enough to know that, although I once hated beets as a child, I love them as an adult. Furthermore, I'll never like steamed asparagus or artichokes unless they're cut so small and mixed with something I don't know they're there. So please stop pretending that I don't know my own tastebuds.
• C). Unlike a buffet, potluck, or deep-frying party, I can never truly eat as much as I want. So not only am I still hungry, but I got Incredible Hulk-drunk off of the wine (because I'm starving, and I pretty much just chugged the wine in the hopes I'd stop tasting it after awhile). For those of you who don't know what Incredible Hulk-drunk is, it's when you're drunk, angry, and you start breaking things. In other words, I'm hungry, drunk enough to fall over everything, and pissed off because I'm so hungry and injured.
• D). Typically fancy parties involve foods I don't like being prepared in less-than-desirable ways. Again - 27. Know my taste buds like the back of my tongue (see what I did there?). Under normal circumstances, a Fondue Party might seem like my cup of tea. Unfortunately, I don't think it's kosher at one of those events to pour melted cheese directly down my throat. And let's face it - that's exactly what everyone wants to do. The bread was just put there because it's socially unacceptable to do just that. 

 

Look how small that piece of bread is, compared to the massive amount of ooey, gooey cheese that needs to get in mah belly.

2. Want to talk about their sex lives (or lack thereof) with other married couples. Here's the thing - Sex and the City was popular because they were, for the most part, all single women doing fucked up shit in the bedroom. Single women totally talk like that. However, when Charlotte and Miranda got married and started talking about sex, it was only because shit was fucked up in their marriages and they needed advice. So unless your husband can't keep an erection, I don't want to know when you schedule sex, Sext each other, role play, or any other banal nonsense that doesn't interest me.  

I feel like with guys, it's the same thing - no guy I know wants to hear about his married friend's sex life, unless the story starts with, "So, I put it up her butt," and ends with, "and then our hot neighbor came over." Notice I didn't include anything about the missionary position, or whipped cream (soooo 1999 Varsity Blues!).

Were we supposed to feel like pedophiles because Ali Larter's character was still in high school when she was barin' it on the big screen?

3. Suddenly forget how to have fun. You know that scene in Old School, where Will Ferrell has just gotten married and is describing his Saturday to his buddy?  

"Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time." 

That's not to say I don't love a good BB&B day, and lord knows I love to wander around Lowe's, but the difference between me and them is after I'm done painting the house, or grating cheese (directly into my mouth, fuckyouverymuch) with my new 8-in-1 cheese wizard, I put on my dancing shoes and head out for the night. I mean seriously - why was Old School even made? Because people don't want to believe that their life ends after marriage. 

Married Adults also have to be coddled to leave the house. Sample questions include: 

• "Well, is the game gonna be on?" 
• "How big is the TV?" 
• "Are we staying out late?"
• "How late is 'Not too late'?"
• "Do I have to take a shower?" 
• "Do they have pink Chablis?"

I mean, really. What happened to just plopping your ass on a barstool, chatting up the bartender and just getting out of the house? I want to hang with the people at Cheers - now there's a group of adults who knew how to go to a bar.

And finally, (IMHO), the worst one of all - 

4. Start asking you when you're going to have kids, because they're either trying to, or have already begun the reproduction cycle.

Here's the thing. Travis and I are NEVER having kids. NEVER. I don't have a maternal instinct in my body; he'd be the worst father ever, and both of us enjoy spending money on ourselves too much to ever want to piss it away on something that's going to shit on you and eventually move out. We've accepted that fact, and never looked back. But why is it people see the second spare room in our house and instantly ask, "Is that going to be the baby's room?"

Umm. 

No.

Just because we're two immature adults who have a second bedroom painted what in we like to call "Sorcerer Mickey Blue," covered the walls in gold stars, and affectionately nicknamed it, "The Disney Room," does not immediately translate into, "When the baby comes, we're going to throw out all this shit and put in a crib and a changing table."

 

Jealous?

 Going back to my original point, we've simply invested too much on tchotchkes to go shunting it up to the attic for a cub who eats, shits, and pisses more than our 3 cats do (at least they have the good sense to use the litterbox).

And while I'll never resent my friends for wanting or having children (and I'll totally be the best Auntie ever - I'll just buy your kids duplicates of the toys I buy myself), I certainly don't feel the need to push my non-breeder agenda on them. Luckily for me, my true friends know not to go there. None of them have ever said, "Molly, you'd be such a great mom." Because they know. 

 

That's about right.

So basically, I'm going to sum up this post by pleading with all you Married Adults out there - Never lose your child-like sensibilities. No one's got a gun to your head saying "It's Time To Grow Up, or ELSE." Keep playing video games, collecting barbie dolls, and getting shitfaced. Hold on to your youth as long as possible, because you know what I hate more than Married Couples who act like adults? Cougars. 'Nuff said.

Oh. And smug pregnant women.

Today, it's People Bitching About NBC's Coverage of the Olympics

I'd say that title is pretty straight-forward. But in case you've yet to encounter one of these idiots running around NBC's Olympic Facebook and Twitter pages, let me break it down for you:

These same bandwagon-eers who jumped on at the Conan/Leno debacle, and never got off can be found bitching about the following:

1. NBC's less-than-live coverage of major Olympic events during prime-time hours (ie they taped certain "less-than-stellar-ratings-events" earlier in the day, and then are interspersing them during the warm-ups of the actual live events)
2. NBC's live and prime-time coverage of "main" events - such as Pairs Skating - that should have been substituted for __________ (insert your favorite least-watched sport in the Olympics here).
3. NBC's "Spoiling" the medal winners by posting the results of live events as soon as they happen (as opposed to waiting until their not-so-live primetime recap) on Facebook and Twitter)
4. How no other country can do it better than America, and if another country wins a medal, it's because they cheated, are a Communist, hate God, or sometimes all three together.

 So I decided to help these morons out by making it really easy for them to get the Olympic coverage they want, since apparently Facebook is the only internet site they can currently use. Here's my solution, in 4 easy steps:

1. Get a TiVo/DVR/VCR - that way, in case the event that you're wanting to watch is on at 1 pm or midnight, you've got your own special way of watching it "live". The amazing thing about TiVo/DVR/TV Guide Magazine/THE INTERNET is also that you can now "magically" figure out what sport is on what channel (because evidently, reckoning that NBC isn't the ONLY channel showing the Olympics is too much for your tiny brains), and then program them to tape in your absence. Those of us who actually WATCH the Olympics have prepared weeks in advance to know what's on when, and programmed accordingly. I can only assume that the people complaining about programming are the ones who don't even know the difference between Free Skate and Short Program in Figure Skating.
   
   My biggest complaint about the people bitching about the less-than-live coverage during prime time is that they obviously don't have a recording device. Therefore, having to watch a recap of the Men's Snowboarding Cross qualifiers interspersed in Pairs Skating is the greatest thing that could ever happen to them - believe me - I sat and watched it in full, earlier in the day, with 293874928374 commercials. Luckily, I have TiVo, and I could fast forward through that shit. Or, just delete it completely, (because the Men's Cross Qualifiers were boring as fuck).
2. Certain sports in the Winter Olympics are slow. And stupid. And so, they're not going to get shown during prime time. Get the fuck over it. And get a Cable-recording device. Or, just see #1.
3. If Facebook is your only connection to the outside world (meaning you don't use Google, NBC.com, a newspaper, a television, or anything else that separates us from the monkeys), then either "Hide" NBC's Olympics feed on your Twitter and Facebook (although how you ever managed to get off FarmVille and subscribe to them in the first place is beyond my comprehension), or shut the fuck up. Seriously.
   
   Do you bitch at the weathermen for ruining your day by telling you the forecast for the rest of the week? No? Well, then shut up about NBC tryin' to help out the folks without recording capabilities, or access to the outside internet, television, and/or newspapers. You can't have it both ways - if they don't show the "live" events recapped during primetime, then expect to know what the results of the biathlon are at 4 pm, because that shit's been going on all goddamn day.
4. If you think America's the only country who deserves to win any medals during a world event, please stop reading my blog right now, and go kill yourself. Seriously. You're not doing anyone any favors. And you're really just pissing me off.
   
   Because you know what I hate more than people bitching on Facebook about NBC? Ethnocentrism. (And people fawning all over Conan O'Brien, but that's a topic for another time).

Today, It's Ace of Cakes

So, this one's an oldie but a goodie that I posted about a year ago as a Facebook Note. But I was pressed for time today (you should see my Tivo and Apple TV queues!), so you're getting a rerun, for those of you who've read it before. And for all 1 of you reading this who've never heard it before, Bon Appétit. 

That's exactly how I feel about you too, Mary Alice.

Our TiVo knows we love to watch Food Network, and so it's constantly "recommending" shows for us to watch. Ace of Cakes happens to be one that's always being recorded, and much like the cut on the roof of your mouth you can't stop tonguing, I can never stop myself from watching and then being enraged. So briefly, (ha! Like I ever write anything short!), here are the reasons why I hate Ace of Cakes.

There are 5 main reasons I'm not a fan:

1. The cakes, while usually really original and well-designed on paper, almost always look like crap executed. Seriously, the finished project often looks like something that would get a B- in art class using modeling clay and being left overnight to dry.

And they're like, 25% actual, edible cake. The rest of it's made with modeling chocolate (it'd be like eating an effin' solid chocolate rabbit, only less tasty - because modeling chocolate does NOT taste like real chocolate) or fondant - which literally tastes like shit. That brings me to the second reason.

2. They use FONDANT FOR EVERYTHING. I hate fondant worse than I hate icing. In fact, I'd love it if they'd just use icing. If, just on one cake, they'd forgo the fondant and tack an icing rose on there, I'd be able to hold my vomit back long enough to salute them for "thinking outside the box." (I hate icing roses more than I hate my dog. But alas, those two topics are both fodder for future blogs!)I understand sometimes you need a little fondant - hell, I love watching the Cake Challenges, and they're always throwing it on a cake at the last minute. But the extent of fondant they use on AoC is utterly baffling. It's like Duff says to himself, "Well, I could hire real sugar artists, or I could keep hiring my friends who failed art class in kindergarten."

And they're always using it to make figurines which inevitably look like shit. See point one. I mean, seriously - these figures look like the nonsense that children make at the Play-Doh table. Every time I watch, I keep expecting to see one of those "template" machines that Play-Doh made - you know the one - you turned the handle and the machine cranked out Play-Doh spaghetti and meatballs. And since they're using the fondant for everything, you know that shit's probably not tasting any better than some flour, salt, and water with food coloring added for good measure.

3. I hate Duff. He does NOTHING on that show remotely involving food. He's always welding shit together, or building. But I NEVER see him actually baking ANYTHING. Which is weird, because for someone whose background is as extensive as his is (I watched his Chefography), you'd think he'd have a little more hand in making his food. Instead, he's content churning out fucking Play-Doh people. And copper-pipe frames. But certainly nothing edible.

4. An appointment to get into the place - an APPOINTMENT - is a guaranteed purchase of at least a $1500 cake! It's like, the general attitude is, "Come pay us for our annoying ideas and yucky cake!"

5. One last (smaller) thing that pisses me off about the show - they're always fucking up the cakes on air, and then generically "fixing" them, and then giving them to the customers. Like, literally, one cake they dropped on the floor and dumped a cup of coffee on - then assured the viewers that it was "super clean." No thanks, already. Keep your floor cake, and the (inevitably) cracked fondant that you covered it with. I'd rather have a store-bought pie.

Because you know what I hate more than floor cake? Icing Roses on a Wal-Mart Sheet Cake. And having to stand in line for the only open register in a long line of unmanned ones.  

Today, It's the Check-out Line

I thought I'd write today's blog about something that universally, across-the-board, EVERYONE hates. (Note: If you do not hate this topic, you are clearly not a human, so stop reading this blog immediately, because I have not yet tailored my brand of humor to "robot".) Anyway, robot disclaimer aside, I think you know where I'm going with this one:

The Checkout Lane at your local "super" store.

Sorry for the less-than-stellar picture quality, but I took this with my iPhone on Black Friday at our local SuperTarget. And while I acknowledge that these are not your ordinary, middle-of-a-Wednesday at Wal-Mart, I think we can all agree that no matter what time of day you go to your local Super Wal-Mart, Super Target, or Super Market (see what I did there?), or whether you go on a Tuesday versus a Saturday, the bottom line is there's never enough damn lanes open, and never enough damn employees working either.

The biggest culprit here, at least where I live is Super Target. I avoid our local Wal Mart like the plague, because, quite frankly, it makes the website http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/  look like the upper middle class. No joke. But I love going to Super Target because I love their $1 section (even though most things in there are, in fact, actually more than $1), I love their "el cheapo" sushi, and I love the fact that I can bring in all 238947212 of those "reusable" bags I keep collecting from EVERYWHERE, and they give me 5 cents off for each one.

Putting my love for Target aside, however, the problem is that they are a grocery store and a regular "Target" combined in one. But don't let the picture fool you - they may have more than 20 lanes, but at any given time, on any given day, there are rarely more than 5 open. RARELY. Trust me, I go to Target at least every other day, and usually when I've just rolled out of bed (which can be any hour of the day, literally). There is hardly ever an open register, and the norm for waits is around 4 minutes before you can put your goodies on the conveyor belt. 

Part of the problem is that our Super Target has not mentally and physically prepared itself to be part grocery store. It's not fair to the people who come in for a greeting card to have to stand behind me in line when I've got a month's worth of groceries in my cart (and yeah, I could be nice and let them go ahead of me, but I've also been waiting 10 minutes for the grocery behemoth in front of me to finish up and leave!). It's also not fair for me to have to "presort" all my items as I put them on the belt, thereby ensuring that the "I Could Care Less" cashier doesn't put bleach in with my lettuce, or meats in with my sack of potatoes.

But it's not just Target. It's the Super Wal-Mart too, where they have 30 lanes, but only 10 of them open. And 90% of Shreveport shops here at any given time of any given day. I'll even give the Super Wal-Mart a little credit - their cashiers seem to know how to bag groceries vs. household items. However, this:

 

is not "Speedy". 20 items is a lot. If you don't believe me, go to your local store and try to carry 20 items in your arms. Shit, I'll even give you a basket. But not a cart. Because if you need a cart, you shouldn't be in the Speedy line (unless you're carrying a 50 lb bag of dog food or a ton of cat litter. There are exceptions, of course.). 

And another thing - I'm all for a cashless, checkless society. So, for the LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, can we PUHLEEZE get a "Cash/Check-Only" line? You'll only need one. The rest can all be "Cards-Only". And that way, when those motherfuckers have to stand in line for 20 minutes behind all the rest of shitheels counting out change, writing checks, dickering over 37 cents (no joke - I actually stood behind someone for 15 minutes who BITCHED nonstop over a 37-cent discrepancy), they'll know how it feels to be a member of the rest of the world, and then perhaps they'll be spurred into moving into the 21st century with all us folk who walk around on two legs.

Ugh. So angry right now! Where was I? Long story short - "Super" stores need more registers actually open, thereby, making them "Super" in my eyes. Because you know what I hate more than waiting balls-deep in line when all I want is a tube of chapstick? People paying with cash. (*note to self-save that "checks/cash" topic for a day when I don't have anything else to bitch about).

Today, it's Rabid Anti-Smokers Who Were Former Smokers

You know what I hate? People who used to smoke who suddenly feel the need to preach to current smokers about how awful cigarettes are. Even more so, the former smokers who go absolutely, positively batshit about cigarettes. You know who I'm talking about - they consist of the following:

1. People who try to get smoking in bars outlawed

2. People who walk by you while you're exercising your perfectly legal right to smoke in a bar, and give you a furiously dirty look, when, in fact, you're trying to be nice and blow it away from the people who don't smoke.

3. Ditto for the nonsmokers who walk by Designated Smoking Areas (DSA) and either A)give furiously dirty looks at the people standing there; B)fan the air as they walk through; C)actually stop and lecture the people about how they're killing themselves (never seen it before myself, but I've heard tales); or D)pretend they don't know it's the DSA, and start ranting about all the poisonous air (this, I actually did witness once at a DSA at Disney World).

I get it. Smoking isn't as "cool" anymore due to the health risks. And it stinks. And it may or may not cause health/breathing problems for people in the immediate vicinity (also known as "Secondhand Smoke") - which, by the way, has generated a lot of controversy because no one really seems to know if it's as big a problem as anti-smokers would like you to believe. (See here: Secondhand Smoke:Controversy over Harm). 

But guess what, you foaming-at-the-mouth Anti-Smokers? Us current smokers? We already know it's bad for us. Just like we know smog and obesity is bad for us too. So you can go ahead and shut the fuck up about it. Because, just like the people who drive around 1975 clunkers with mufflers hangin' off, and the people who insist on eating at buffets,  we're just not listening to it. 

I would never forcibly put a cigarette down anyone's lungs. 

"But Molly, secondhand smoke is just like that!"

True. If I'm smoking in a place that's not a DSA, and there are people in close proximity, then yes. I would be forcing you to puff along with me. However, like most of my fellow nicotine abusers, I try to be a conscientious smoker. I don't smoke in my house. I don't smoke in my car with the windows rolled up. I don't sit at the bar and blow smoke in my friends' faces (who aren't smokers, and who, btw, have never yelled at me for smoking).

You, on the other hand, rabid anti-former-smoker, are trying to take my DSA's away from me. You keep trying to tighten up outdoor DSA's, or eliminate them altogether. But you also have the choice to not go to DSA's; whereas, if there are no more DSA's, then I have no choice at all. And if avoiding DSA's includes bars, well...it's probably cheaper to stay at home and drink anyway. Or, you can go to a restaurant to drink, since they don't allow smoking there.

So, you may say, "Why do anti-smokers have to be former smokers, Molly?" 

Good question. Not all anti-smokers are former smokers. In fact, I'll bet most of them have never tried a cigarette in their life (but they probably have driven around emissions-letting vehicles and eaten a Big Mac). But all extremely vocal, extremely vehement, extremely hateful, extremely foaming-at-the-mouth anti-smokers are, in fact, former smokers. (Note: I do not have statistics to back this up. But the next time you truly hear someone just nonstop bitching about smokers, ask them if they used to be one themselves. Just do it. Seriously. My guess is you'll hear a lot of "Yes..., but I NEVER..."'s). 

You know why? Because they miss smoking so much, they resent anyone who still does it. (Again, no stats. But trust me - smoking feels so good, and makes smokers so happy, I personally feel sorry for people that don't smoke. Really. What else in your life can make you truly ecstatic for 5 minutes of your day?) And it's not that they're so afraid that one whiff of cigarette smoke will kill their lungs. It's that the smell brings back the desire. The yearning. And suddenly, even someone who hasn't smoked for 10 years practically starts salivating at the thought of a cigarette.

Honestly. Those nonsmokers giving you furious glares at the DSA? There's a longing there. Trust me. It may be how they subconsciously lick their lips. Or perhaps the way their asshole clenches when they think about how a nice cigarette used to be followed by an even nicer, more relaxing shit. Or maybe it's the rumble of their stomach when they think about how nicely a cigarette helped you digest after a particularly filling meal (at the buffet!). Or the way their fingers twitch, because for a lot of people, smoking is a particularly lethal way to "do something" with their hands. Or maybe it's just the look of pure and simple desire - desire for a simpler time when men wore hats, overcoats, and ties; women wore pumps and got their tushes squeezed; cocktails were served at lunch, and again for an afternoon "refreshment", and then again before and with dinner, and no one had alcohol problems; when you only got your news from one channel, and that anchor was so trustworthy, you'd lay down your life for him; a time when LOST wasn't around to raise my blood pressure so high that I regularly want to simultaneously smoke a whole pack of cigarettes while punching my TV, John Locke, Kate Austen and Jack Shephard. 

Sorry about that. Less LOST and more MadMen. Get it? But to recap: 

Anti-smokers = ok. I get it. I'm doing my best to respect your space.

Rabid anti-smokers = just go buy a pack already. Trust me. You need it worse than I do. Because you know what I hate even more than rabid anti-smokers? People who "don't smoke", but are always bummin' my cigs when they get drunk.