Today, it's Rabid Anti-Smokers Who Were Former Smokers

You know what I hate? People who used to smoke who suddenly feel the need to preach to current smokers about how awful cigarettes are. Even more so, the former smokers who go absolutely, positively batshit about cigarettes. You know who I'm talking about - they consist of the following:

1. People who try to get smoking in bars outlawed

2. People who walk by you while you're exercising your perfectly legal right to smoke in a bar, and give you a furiously dirty look, when, in fact, you're trying to be nice and blow it away from the people who don't smoke.

3. Ditto for the nonsmokers who walk by Designated Smoking Areas (DSA) and either A)give furiously dirty looks at the people standing there; B)fan the air as they walk through; C)actually stop and lecture the people about how they're killing themselves (never seen it before myself, but I've heard tales); or D)pretend they don't know it's the DSA, and start ranting about all the poisonous air (this, I actually did witness once at a DSA at Disney World).

I get it. Smoking isn't as "cool" anymore due to the health risks. And it stinks. And it may or may not cause health/breathing problems for people in the immediate vicinity (also known as "Secondhand Smoke") - which, by the way, has generated a lot of controversy because no one really seems to know if it's as big a problem as anti-smokers would like you to believe. (See here: Secondhand Smoke:Controversy over Harm). 

But guess what, you foaming-at-the-mouth Anti-Smokers? Us current smokers? We already know it's bad for us. Just like we know smog and obesity is bad for us too. So you can go ahead and shut the fuck up about it. Because, just like the people who drive around 1975 clunkers with mufflers hangin' off, and the people who insist on eating at buffets,  we're just not listening to it. 

I would never forcibly put a cigarette down anyone's lungs. 

"But Molly, secondhand smoke is just like that!"

True. If I'm smoking in a place that's not a DSA, and there are people in close proximity, then yes. I would be forcing you to puff along with me. However, like most of my fellow nicotine abusers, I try to be a conscientious smoker. I don't smoke in my house. I don't smoke in my car with the windows rolled up. I don't sit at the bar and blow smoke in my friends' faces (who aren't smokers, and who, btw, have never yelled at me for smoking).

You, on the other hand, rabid anti-former-smoker, are trying to take my DSA's away from me. You keep trying to tighten up outdoor DSA's, or eliminate them altogether. But you also have the choice to not go to DSA's; whereas, if there are no more DSA's, then I have no choice at all. And if avoiding DSA's includes bars, well...it's probably cheaper to stay at home and drink anyway. Or, you can go to a restaurant to drink, since they don't allow smoking there.

So, you may say, "Why do anti-smokers have to be former smokers, Molly?" 

Good question. Not all anti-smokers are former smokers. In fact, I'll bet most of them have never tried a cigarette in their life (but they probably have driven around emissions-letting vehicles and eaten a Big Mac). But all extremely vocal, extremely vehement, extremely hateful, extremely foaming-at-the-mouth anti-smokers are, in fact, former smokers. (Note: I do not have statistics to back this up. But the next time you truly hear someone just nonstop bitching about smokers, ask them if they used to be one themselves. Just do it. Seriously. My guess is you'll hear a lot of "Yes..., but I NEVER..."'s). 

You know why? Because they miss smoking so much, they resent anyone who still does it. (Again, no stats. But trust me - smoking feels so good, and makes smokers so happy, I personally feel sorry for people that don't smoke. Really. What else in your life can make you truly ecstatic for 5 minutes of your day?) And it's not that they're so afraid that one whiff of cigarette smoke will kill their lungs. It's that the smell brings back the desire. The yearning. And suddenly, even someone who hasn't smoked for 10 years practically starts salivating at the thought of a cigarette.

Honestly. Those nonsmokers giving you furious glares at the DSA? There's a longing there. Trust me. It may be how they subconsciously lick their lips. Or perhaps the way their asshole clenches when they think about how a nice cigarette used to be followed by an even nicer, more relaxing shit. Or maybe it's the rumble of their stomach when they think about how nicely a cigarette helped you digest after a particularly filling meal (at the buffet!). Or the way their fingers twitch, because for a lot of people, smoking is a particularly lethal way to "do something" with their hands. Or maybe it's just the look of pure and simple desire - desire for a simpler time when men wore hats, overcoats, and ties; women wore pumps and got their tushes squeezed; cocktails were served at lunch, and again for an afternoon "refreshment", and then again before and with dinner, and no one had alcohol problems; when you only got your news from one channel, and that anchor was so trustworthy, you'd lay down your life for him; a time when LOST wasn't around to raise my blood pressure so high that I regularly want to simultaneously smoke a whole pack of cigarettes while punching my TV, John Locke, Kate Austen and Jack Shephard. 

Sorry about that. Less LOST and more MadMen. Get it? But to recap: 

Anti-smokers = ok. I get it. I'm doing my best to respect your space.

Rabid anti-smokers = just go buy a pack already. Trust me. You need it worse than I do. Because you know what I hate even more than rabid anti-smokers? People who "don't smoke", but are always bummin' my cigs when they get drunk.