Today, It's Ace of Cakes

So, this one's an oldie but a goodie that I posted about a year ago as a Facebook Note. But I was pressed for time today (you should see my Tivo and Apple TV queues!), so you're getting a rerun, for those of you who've read it before. And for all 1 of you reading this who've never heard it before, Bon Appétit. 

That's exactly how I feel about you too, Mary Alice.

Our TiVo knows we love to watch Food Network, and so it's constantly "recommending" shows for us to watch. Ace of Cakes happens to be one that's always being recorded, and much like the cut on the roof of your mouth you can't stop tonguing, I can never stop myself from watching and then being enraged. So briefly, (ha! Like I ever write anything short!), here are the reasons why I hate Ace of Cakes.

There are 5 main reasons I'm not a fan:

1. The cakes, while usually really original and well-designed on paper, almost always look like crap executed. Seriously, the finished project often looks like something that would get a B- in art class using modeling clay and being left overnight to dry.

And they're like, 25% actual, edible cake. The rest of it's made with modeling chocolate (it'd be like eating an effin' solid chocolate rabbit, only less tasty - because modeling chocolate does NOT taste like real chocolate) or fondant - which literally tastes like shit. That brings me to the second reason.

2. They use FONDANT FOR EVERYTHING. I hate fondant worse than I hate icing. In fact, I'd love it if they'd just use icing. If, just on one cake, they'd forgo the fondant and tack an icing rose on there, I'd be able to hold my vomit back long enough to salute them for "thinking outside the box." (I hate icing roses more than I hate my dog. But alas, those two topics are both fodder for future blogs!)I understand sometimes you need a little fondant - hell, I love watching the Cake Challenges, and they're always throwing it on a cake at the last minute. But the extent of fondant they use on AoC is utterly baffling. It's like Duff says to himself, "Well, I could hire real sugar artists, or I could keep hiring my friends who failed art class in kindergarten."

And they're always using it to make figurines which inevitably look like shit. See point one. I mean, seriously - these figures look like the nonsense that children make at the Play-Doh table. Every time I watch, I keep expecting to see one of those "template" machines that Play-Doh made - you know the one - you turned the handle and the machine cranked out Play-Doh spaghetti and meatballs. And since they're using the fondant for everything, you know that shit's probably not tasting any better than some flour, salt, and water with food coloring added for good measure.

3. I hate Duff. He does NOTHING on that show remotely involving food. He's always welding shit together, or building. But I NEVER see him actually baking ANYTHING. Which is weird, because for someone whose background is as extensive as his is (I watched his Chefography), you'd think he'd have a little more hand in making his food. Instead, he's content churning out fucking Play-Doh people. And copper-pipe frames. But certainly nothing edible.

4. An appointment to get into the place - an APPOINTMENT - is a guaranteed purchase of at least a $1500 cake! It's like, the general attitude is, "Come pay us for our annoying ideas and yucky cake!"

5. One last (smaller) thing that pisses me off about the show - they're always fucking up the cakes on air, and then generically "fixing" them, and then giving them to the customers. Like, literally, one cake they dropped on the floor and dumped a cup of coffee on - then assured the viewers that it was "super clean." No thanks, already. Keep your floor cake, and the (inevitably) cracked fondant that you covered it with. I'd rather have a store-bought pie.

Because you know what I hate more than floor cake? Icing Roses on a Wal-Mart Sheet Cake. And having to stand in line for the only open register in a long line of unmanned ones.