Today, it's Married Couples Who Act Like Adults

So, I'm a half of a married couple. After being together for 7 years, the old man and I threw caution to the wind and got married (well, really, we kind of got tired of listening to family and friends ask, "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED ALREADY?!" and we gave into convention). I mean, I could've been engaged for another 4-5 years; I got my nice ring - who needs anything else? But, we went ahead and took the plunge, and I can honestly say I don't regret it, but I also don't need to act it either. 

At this point, you might be scratching your head going, "Act what?" Like a Married Adult, fool. (Didn't you read today's topic?!) So, how does a "Married Adult" act? The main thing that you need to understand here is that Married Adults are different from Married Couples. Married Adults look like this:

 

Our life is over, as of today. In fact, even though we're of an Asian persuasion, it's Quaker Meeting time, bitches! No more laughter, no more fun!

Married Couples, on the other hand, tend to resemble this:

 

We still know how to have fun because we have drinks with umbrellas,
and Daddy got lei'd!

Anyway, if those two visual aids didn't convince you, I made a list too (and in case you can't tell, I'm awfully fond of lists because they help me organize my thoughts. So suck it, haters.)

Things Married Adults Do That Suck the Life Out Of Me

1. Have "Dinner Parties," "Fondue Parties," "Wine Parties," or basically any other kind of party that involves fanciness. Note I did not include Potluck dinners or buffet-style, or deep-frying parties, because those are all incredibly awesome reasons to have a bunch of people over to your house.

I have the following reasons for not appreciating a "Fancy Party": 

• A). They involve dressing up, which is not ok if I'm going to someone's house and being expected to take off my shoes, but not wear sweats. They also involve feelings of guilt because usually the Host(ess) put so much work into the party that you feel awful because you didn't feel like taking a shower and you barely thought to put socks on. (Which, thank God you did, because you're going to have to take your shoes off, and no one wants to see your "winter" feet!)
• B). They usually involve drinking wine, which I hate. In fact, I hate drinking wine almost as much as the pretentious show that the host is going to put on before we're actually allowed to drink the wine, or the inevitable "You don't hate wine, you just haven't found the right one" comment I always get. Listen. I'm 27 years old, and I am adult enough to know that, although I once hated beets as a child, I love them as an adult. Furthermore, I'll never like steamed asparagus or artichokes unless they're cut so small and mixed with something I don't know they're there. So please stop pretending that I don't know my own tastebuds.
• C). Unlike a buffet, potluck, or deep-frying party, I can never truly eat as much as I want. So not only am I still hungry, but I got Incredible Hulk-drunk off of the wine (because I'm starving, and I pretty much just chugged the wine in the hopes I'd stop tasting it after awhile). For those of you who don't know what Incredible Hulk-drunk is, it's when you're drunk, angry, and you start breaking things. In other words, I'm hungry, drunk enough to fall over everything, and pissed off because I'm so hungry and injured.
• D). Typically fancy parties involve foods I don't like being prepared in less-than-desirable ways. Again - 27. Know my taste buds like the back of my tongue (see what I did there?). Under normal circumstances, a Fondue Party might seem like my cup of tea. Unfortunately, I don't think it's kosher at one of those events to pour melted cheese directly down my throat. And let's face it - that's exactly what everyone wants to do. The bread was just put there because it's socially unacceptable to do just that. 

 

Look how small that piece of bread is, compared to the massive amount of ooey, gooey cheese that needs to get in mah belly.

2. Want to talk about their sex lives (or lack thereof) with other married couples. Here's the thing - Sex and the City was popular because they were, for the most part, all single women doing fucked up shit in the bedroom. Single women totally talk like that. However, when Charlotte and Miranda got married and started talking about sex, it was only because shit was fucked up in their marriages and they needed advice. So unless your husband can't keep an erection, I don't want to know when you schedule sex, Sext each other, role play, or any other banal nonsense that doesn't interest me.  

I feel like with guys, it's the same thing - no guy I know wants to hear about his married friend's sex life, unless the story starts with, "So, I put it up her butt," and ends with, "and then our hot neighbor came over." Notice I didn't include anything about the missionary position, or whipped cream (soooo 1999 Varsity Blues!).

Were we supposed to feel like pedophiles because Ali Larter's character was still in high school when she was barin' it on the big screen?

3. Suddenly forget how to have fun. You know that scene in Old School, where Will Ferrell has just gotten married and is describing his Saturday to his buddy?  

"Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time." 

That's not to say I don't love a good BB&B day, and lord knows I love to wander around Lowe's, but the difference between me and them is after I'm done painting the house, or grating cheese (directly into my mouth, fuckyouverymuch) with my new 8-in-1 cheese wizard, I put on my dancing shoes and head out for the night. I mean seriously - why was Old School even made? Because people don't want to believe that their life ends after marriage. 

Married Adults also have to be coddled to leave the house. Sample questions include: 

• "Well, is the game gonna be on?" 
• "How big is the TV?" 
• "Are we staying out late?"
• "How late is 'Not too late'?"
• "Do I have to take a shower?" 
• "Do they have pink Chablis?"

I mean, really. What happened to just plopping your ass on a barstool, chatting up the bartender and just getting out of the house? I want to hang with the people at Cheers - now there's a group of adults who knew how to go to a bar.

And finally, (IMHO), the worst one of all - 

4. Start asking you when you're going to have kids, because they're either trying to, or have already begun the reproduction cycle.

Here's the thing. Travis and I are NEVER having kids. NEVER. I don't have a maternal instinct in my body; he'd be the worst father ever, and both of us enjoy spending money on ourselves too much to ever want to piss it away on something that's going to shit on you and eventually move out. We've accepted that fact, and never looked back. But why is it people see the second spare room in our house and instantly ask, "Is that going to be the baby's room?"

Umm. 

No.

Just because we're two immature adults who have a second bedroom painted what in we like to call "Sorcerer Mickey Blue," covered the walls in gold stars, and affectionately nicknamed it, "The Disney Room," does not immediately translate into, "When the baby comes, we're going to throw out all this shit and put in a crib and a changing table."

 

Jealous?

 Going back to my original point, we've simply invested too much on tchotchkes to go shunting it up to the attic for a cub who eats, shits, and pisses more than our 3 cats do (at least they have the good sense to use the litterbox).

And while I'll never resent my friends for wanting or having children (and I'll totally be the best Auntie ever - I'll just buy your kids duplicates of the toys I buy myself), I certainly don't feel the need to push my non-breeder agenda on them. Luckily for me, my true friends know not to go there. None of them have ever said, "Molly, you'd be such a great mom." Because they know. 

 

That's about right.

So basically, I'm going to sum up this post by pleading with all you Married Adults out there - Never lose your child-like sensibilities. No one's got a gun to your head saying "It's Time To Grow Up, or ELSE." Keep playing video games, collecting barbie dolls, and getting shitfaced. Hold on to your youth as long as possible, because you know what I hate more than Married Couples who act like adults? Cougars. 'Nuff said.

Oh. And smug pregnant women.